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I hate male dependency so much. I hate how I constantly miss him even though I know I'll be seeing him soon. But what I hate the most is what a disgusting liar I am.
Most of thetime doesn't bother me, and I barely even think about it. But there's times where it makes me feel so guilty I just want to finish it with him as I can't take it anymore. The guilt is actually eating away at me.

I know that if I tell him it will change everything. I know that every time he looks at me he will see a different person from before and he will think I've changed when I haven't.

But my biggest fear is that if I tell him the truth he will hate me - that would actually kill me. The thought of him hating me hurts too much to even think about.
I just have this image in my head repeating itself over and over, of me telling him the truth. I have these visions of him not even being able to look me in the face. That image in my mind just makes me feel physically sick.
Other people have told me just to tell him the truth, but they don't actually understand just how hard it is. How do you tell someone that you have actually been telling a huge lie since the day you first met them? How can he actually trust me ever again? People don't seem to realise that telling him would lose this huge level of trust we have.
I just don't know what to do.
I like him so much, but with liking him comes this huge level of guiltiness, like a massive raincloud over my head. Usually after seeing him I'll go home with a happiness high then as soon as I'm in my room the realisation hits me again and I just break down and cry.

I hate this guilty feeling so much and I don't know what to do.
No advice from anybody helps my situation and it just feels lonely even though I know one of my friends has gone through the same thing.
But there is no ideal solution for it where everything ends up being all right and everybody lives happily ever after. Either way I lose.