Powar ov da pasta.

After sitting behind a homeless bloke eating a subway sandwich on the N207 at about 5am you realise how hungry you are after consuming half your bodyweight in solid alcohol, but there's no way of buying any food from the shops as your friend is vomiting on a shop's doorstep and I doubt Maccy D'd would want her adding to the already putrid smell.
So when you finally get home after talking to weird drunk men on the bus asking for your number or to get in between your legs, you possibly waste 10 minutes of your life trying to get your key into your front door.
Those 10 minutes you will never get back. Ever.
The two biggest thoughts on your mind are if you have anything edible at home and if you can get to the loo on time.(It won't be hard going to the toilet as half your mates have already peed in alleyways so they don't have to go anymore. Au revoir dignity.)
The rule is when you get home you have to eat really carbohydrate-filled foods ensured to makeup for all the weight you lost dancing. Therefore it is pretty much always pasta. Really shitty pasta that seems good at the time until you realise the next morning that it was in fact a pile of crap.

HOW TO COOK 5AM DRUNK PASTA:

Ingredients:

• Pasta shells( or anything resembling pasta usually does it)
• 2 cans of pre-chopped tomatoes
• A garlic clove
• Random spices and herbs you find in your cupboards
• Stock cube

How to cook it:

1. Put pasta in a pan filled with water, spill a lot of it and laugh hysterically while your friend tells you how the guy she got off with turned out to be a woman.
2. Get a frying pan and empty out the cans of chopped tomatoes into the pan, being careful not to get any on your nice new FCUK dress. Realise 2 cans was too much, maybe cry a little. The cry some more when you remembered your boyfriend who broke up with you 5 years ago never loved you. Also that you're ugly and fat. And how your Mother never loved you.
   
3. Add stock cube. Don't tell any vegetarians.
4. Crush the garlic clove with a garlic clove crusher thingy. NOT WITH A KNIFE. FOR GOD'S SAKE DO NOT USE A KNIFE. You will end up looking like the man who took loads of ket and fed his face to dogs.
   
5. Put in loads of random herbs and salt to the point where it's becoming more solid than liquid.
6. Remember you forgot to start cooking the pasta. Set your eyebrows on fire when using the stove. (I have done this so many times. EYELASHES DON'T GROW BACK FOR MONTHS)
7. Sit down at the table with friends whilst waiting for the pasta to cook. Talk about how deformed you nipples are/how your boyfriend can't get it up/that you like men with put bellies and mustaches-Reeeeaaally loudly, so your little 10-year old brother can hear it from upstairs.
8. Take pasta off the stove. It should be overcooked, burnt or still hard.
9. Mash up the sauce, sending tomato flying everywhere. (NVM BOUT DAT-ur mum can clean it)
10. Fill each bowl to the brim with barely any pasta and loads of sauce and enjoy.
11. By the end of it about 2 of you should be wanting to throw up and the others all have to agree that It's the best food they've ever had.
12. Wake up the next morning with pasta stuck between your teeth and try to ignore your friend lying half naked on the floor.